OMG Nintendo.com

Sorry I left you hanging, guys. For weeks, you've sat in front of your computers -- sleeping in your chairs, ignoring basic hygiene, forcing loved ones to feed you blended cheeseburgers through a tube -- while you've done nothing but refresh OMG Nintendo as you thought to yourselves, "Oh man, Cruis'n USA looks SO AWESOME! But...but what does Sardius think?"

Well, I'm glad you waited. I'm about to cover everything released on the Virtual Console over the last three weeks, and it's not going to be pretty. I mean, just look at that shot from Mega Turrican up there. Eeugh.

Bases Loaded

This was the first baseball video game I ever played, so I'm in no place to be reviewing it fairly. To hell with fairness, though. Bases Loaded is a classic that remained unbeaten in its field for years after its release. Overrated NES follow-ups like Baseball Stars and Baseball Simulator 1.000 failed to capture Bases Loaded's charming, just-realistic-enough approach to the sport, and even its own sequels missed the point completely. There may have been technically better baseball sims made in the years following Bases Loaded's release, but it wasn't until last year's MLB Power Pros that I had as much fun with a baseball game as I did with Bases Loaded.

Also, Paste from New Jersey is a badass. Try beaning him after the fourth inning and he'll show you where you can stick your copy of Baseball Stars.

Try these too: MLB Power Pros (Wii), Baseball Stars 2 (Neo Geo)
Don't bother with: Baseball (NES), World Class Baseball (TG-16)

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Wonder Boy

The fact that there are so many duplicate games on the Virtual Console doesn't bother me as much as the fact that Nintendo doesn't label them as such. Sure, you and I know that Wonder Boy and Hudson's Adventure Island are the exact same game, but what about Nintendo's average, not-insane customer? Getting burned by buying both because they weren't labeled as clones is the kind of thing that might turn you off of buying Virtual Console games forever, you know?

Maybe this would turn a lot of people off of the Virtual Console. Maybe sales would go down by a significant degree, making the VC seem like a less worthwhile financial venture, resulting in a slow decline in the quality of Virtual Console releases as a whole. Maybe this lack of care on Nintendo's part could eventually result in only two terrible games being added to the Virtual Console each week, neither of which anyone would ever want to buy.

Nah, it'll never happen.

Try this instead: New Adventure Island (TG-16)
Don't bother with: Hudson's Adventure Island (NES)

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Yoshi's Cookie

I didn't find out about Yoshi's Cookie's multiplayer brilliance until I got engaged to a Yoshi's Cookie fanatic. We've since broken up, but my love for Yoshi's Cookie remains. Unfortunately, nobody ever wants to play with me now, because everyone thinks that Yoshi's Cookie sucks. These are the kinds of things you'd never think you'd miss about a relationship until it's over.

Single-player Yoshi's Cookie is terrible, make no mistake. Multiplayer is also technically terrible, if you're some kind of puzzle game snob. Give it a chance, though, and you'll find that it's fun precisely because it's made of pure bullshit. Effective attacks against the other player require equal amounts of skill and luck, and often, you'll find yourself pulling out a win even when your opponent is far ahead simply because you had a row of Yoshi cookies lined up just in time to hit a -6 attack. It's fun, though, and the constant chaos provides its own weirdo brand of gameplay balance.

You'll probably hate it, though. Like everyone else. SIGH.

Try this too: Puyo Puyo 2 (Genesis), Columns III (Genesis)
Don't bother with: Wario's Woods (NES)

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Fantasy Zone

I don't know about this one, man. It's well-made, for sure, and I don't doubt that it was massively entertaining back when it was released in 1986. Thing is, Fantasy Zone really isn't all that fun to play these days. Horizontally scrolling shooters are available in plenty on the Virtual Console, and almost all are better than or at least as equally entertaining as Fantasy Zone.

To its credit, Fantasy Zone adds a few unique wrinkles to the formula with its in-game power-up system and wraparound gameplay that allows for a little more freedom than in your average shooter. For all its charm, though, gameplay in Fantasy Zone eventually boils down to struggling to keep your ship steady while you bomb one of those pink enemy dispensers, only to get blown up by a bullet or enemy you didn't see either because of the vibrant backgrounds or the lazy scrolling speed.

Expect to see this kind of thing a lot if Sega Master System releases continue on the Virtual Console. Which is to say, "Like the kind of stuff you'd get on the NES, except a little worse."

Try these instead: R-Type III (SNES), LORDS OF THUNDER (TurboDuo)
Don't bother with: Super R-Type (SNES), Psychosis (TG-16)

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Cruis'n USA

There are some who think that Cruis'n USA's director, Eugene Jarvis, has lost his mind. The man was a driving force behind the American arcade industry in its formative years, designing and programming classics like Defender, Robotron: 2084, and Smash TV. With a string of great games (and Cruis'n USA) behind him, Jarvis recently founded Raw Thrills Inc., an arcade game development house whose output consists entirely of unbelievably crappy crap like Target: Terror and The Fast and the Furious.

(You might know The Fast and the Furious better as its retitled Wii port, Cruis'n. The Wii version of Target: Terror is set to be released later this month. I don't know about you, but I can't wait.)

So did Eugene Jarvis just go crazy, or what? Actually, I think he's smarter than anyone else in the industry right now. The Fast and the Furious and Target: Terror, awful games they may be, strike a chord with a cross-section of gamers and non-gamers alike, and to this day, they still manage to siphon a goodly amount of cash from the arcade industry's mummified corpse. Clearly, the man knows what he's doing, and I respect him greatly for it.

Cruis'n USA is evidence that Jarvis was aiming and designing for the casual market before the industry had even come up with the phrase "the casual market." You can still find the damn thing (or one of its sequels) in arcades today, and most bars and restaurants with an arcade corner feature at least some version or successor of Cruis'n USA. There is no question that Cruis'n USA was a monumental success and a huge step forward for the modern arcade industry.

Too bad it sucks.

Try these instead: Anything, seriously.
Don't bother with: Cruis'n USA, ever.

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Mega Turrican

Didn't I review this already? Oh, wait, this is the Genesis Turrican. It's mostly different from Super Turrican, it has a grappling hook, and it's somehow even more focused and fun. If you didn't get Super Turrican, get this one. It's better.

Try these too: Cybernator (SNES), Gunstar Heroes (Genesis), Super C (NES)
Don't bother with: Rolling Thunder 2 (Genesis), Monster Lair (TG-16)

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